Everything went better than I had planned.

Everything was perfect because it was real, and he was there.

Two weeks passed in a blur, one bubble of small happiness melting into another. And he was in every picture, holding me close like I mattered the world to him.

He was there. Hugging me in his sleep, talking to me like I was a child when I was sleepy, changing my clothes for me, kissing me good morning and good night.

He was there, holding my hand, my waist. Hugging and kissing, and more, whenever he has the chance.

He was there. Me sitting at the back as he cycled. Eating together. Him carrying me as he swam-walked in the seawaters.

There were quarrels and fights, but he was there.

There were tears,.but he was there.

He was there. Inside my life.

Not through Skype or Whatsapp or Viber, but warm and alive, holding me.

For two weeks, he was there.

How long will I get used to living without his warmth?

And the fights would lengthen and multiply again, because he is no longer by my side.

I was happier than I had been for a very long time, that two weeks.

And I know that I will not feel that happiness, for a very, very, very long time to come.

Laogong, I love you.

I miss you.

posted from Bloggeroid

我到底为什么早起啊我。

posted from Bloggeroid

插在心上的一根刺
痛的是谁。

posted from Bloggeroid

不好。

我过得不好。

是不是感情都这样，明明感觉放弃了许多，可换来的却很少。

不管怎么付出，就算我为了这段感情拒绝别人多少次，心甘情愿把自己绑得多紧，不够，永远都不够，总是还有更多，更多不行不可以不准不许。

这是不是一种心理上的缺憾，是不是我永远都学不会好好爱一个人，是不是我永远都无法让最重要的人觉得满意，永远学不会给他最大的快乐和满足。

对不起啊，懦弱如我，真的尽力了，精疲力尽了。

可不可以这样就够了，可不可以不要失望，可不可以不要冷漠地说习惯。

posted from Bloggeroid

睡吧
别再想了
分开是必然的
没有谁舍不得你
就别独自落泪独自难过吧。

posted from Bloggeroid

爱你，就不该要求你为我牺牲。

去吧，我会好好的。

posted from Bloggeroid

两年

是多么漫长的惩罚啊。

posted from Bloggeroid

争吵以后还是想要爱你的冲动。

posted from Bloggeroid

莫名其妙。

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The only, most important thing I truly want to do for you, is too make you the happiest person ever, everyday of your life.

But it feels like the one thing I can never achieve.

posted from Bloggeroid

原来分隔两地，要你开心我也开心，竟然是这么不容易的事情。

posted from Bloggeroid

等你心情好了，看我怎么收拾你!!!!!!!!

你最好先屁颠屁颠地来请罪...不然小心我一时冲动阉了你==

.......tmd太委屈了，泪奔



傻瓜，好久没这么叫你了，你个缺心眼的大概也忘了这个名字了吧。

看你难过，我还是很揪心的，自动送上门当免费炮灰，绝对环保健康，抗冷抗压，使用次数不限，无副作用。

傻瓜，别不开心啊，不然我这冰冻炮灰就没有存在必要了。

posted from Bloggeroid

It freaking hurts to be left behind, again and again.

But I really don't want to cry.

posted from Bloggeroid

自私的是你还是我?

你自私地走了

我自私地希望你为我停留

我是跟不上你的脚步，还是惰性太强无法横冲直撞?

我又怎么忍心成为你的包袱，让你背着我跑?

突然，未来一切都不确定了。

我会走到哪里，你又可以陪我走到哪里。

posted from Bloggeroid

也许，拥有了就会害怕失去，是必然的。

害怕那段夜夜流泪的日子，害怕在每一天每件事每首歌都找到你的影子，却找不到你的时光，害怕独自想念怀念挂念的心酸。

不想失去啊，好不容易才握住的手，如果放开了，我又何去何从。

整个人像漂浮着，没有重心，淹没在回忆里，找不到方向，找不到未来。

他若无其事地活着，笑着闹着走着跑着玩着，我看着想着难以置信着，冰冷得蚀骨。

不想。

不想失去。

posted from Bloggeroid

早上，闹钟响了。

她起身，叫醒身边的他。

他洗澡刷牙，她躺床上等他。

他从浴室出来，发现她又睡着了。

在她眉心落下一吻，他叫醒她。

早餐可能是简单的自制土司和豆奶，或者饼干和美禄。

有时他和她醒得早，会手牵手到附近茶餐厅吃面。

早餐后，他去上课，她也去上课。

傍晚，他回家，她也回家。

她扫地，他洗衣。他上网，她靠在他身边看书。

衣服晾干了，她折好，他陪她说话。

有时他累了，她帮他按摩。有时她累了，他帮她按摩。

然后手牵手去吃晚餐，可能看一场电影，可能在热闹的街上散步，可能一起坐在某家咖啡厅最安静的角落，他做功课，她也做功课。

他送她回家，然后到健身房健身，她在两人的床上听着耳机，抬腿瘦身。

他回家，拉着她一起洗澡，闹了很久，才抱着脸色潮红的她回床上睡觉。

她窝在他的臂弯里，他搂着她的腰。

她亲了亲他脸颊，在他的呼吸声中沉沉睡去。

世界很大，可是有时候，一个人的世界可能只是另一个人的臂弯。

心很大，可以关心很多人很多事，可是有时候，一颗心只愿意容纳那一个人的感情。

不是怕吵架，而是怕吵着吵着，就散了。

不是介意你推开我，而是怕你推着推着就习惯了，我也终究会失去不断把自己放在你手中相信这次不会被抛开的冲动。

posted from Bloggeroid

How to not step back

How to not hide

How to take a step forward

And pretend everything's alright?

My cheeks are wet

But my eyes feel dry

It's killing me

So why am I still alive

I thought this was it

I thought I had finally gotten things right

I was ready to be brave

Even if I was the coward the I was

Why

Why

Why did it all go away

When is my strength gone

How to step forward

When you're stepping back

So fast I can't reach you at all

How to not step back

When even if I step forward

I'm still all alone

I'm a coward

I know.

posted from Bloggeroid

Withdrawal.

A coward's escape.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sand in your hands
The harder you try to hold on
The faster it slips through your finger.

Am I the sand or the hand?

posted from Bloggeroid

I won't be that girl again. I just won't.

Forever hoping, forever waiting, a life centered on one sole person, always overthinking, always second guessing.

You said that is not what you want.

Well, I hate it even more than you do, cause it's in myself I sense the shame and stupidity from the girl I used to be.

I will do anything to not be that person again, ever. Anything.

posted from Bloggeroid

太熟悉了，这感觉。

想念，但又不敢打扰。

posted from Bloggeroid

我讨厌你的不耐烦。

虽然我知道这不代表我很多余。

posted from Bloggeroid

是不是太自私了，他难过，不言不语，我却为自己委屈掉泪。

是不是太自私，我明明虚弱疲倦但坚持陪他，他却因为难过不言不语。


他不说到底那么多烦人的事究竟是什么，也许我也不该怪他吧。也许真的很烦呢，总不能我也添乱。

虽然我什么都告诉他。

亲爱的，这种时候，我也感觉不到自己存在的需要啊。我也感受不到你的爱啊。

我明明最受不了的就是见到你难过。

心疼。我会心疼。

不要心情不好就把自己埋起来不让人靠近。这样推开我，我要怎么一直留在你心里。

posted from Bloggeroid

想他了。

他在哪里呢。

posted from Bloggeroid

不吵架的幸福是幸福
那不停吵架的幸福又算什么。

posted from Bloggeroid

终老。

posted from Bloggeroid

就这样走下去吧。

吵吵闹闹也好，甜甜蜜蜜也好。

路很长很长，我们就这样手牵手走下去吧。

posted from Bloggeroid

静止的风，是空气，不是风。

posted from Bloggeroid

Love is giving half of yourself to another, and filling the space with the half of that person.

Love is responsibility from the heart, caring not because you have to, but because you want to so much it becomes a need.

Love is like a wind up clock, it needs winding to keep ticking through the time.

Love is like spring. There was soil, and there was a seed. Before you know it, there was a bed of flowers, a sea of colors.

You cannot change the world alone, but you can become the world of someone you love. A peaceful, bright and safe world. Sometimes it rains, sometimes storm breaks, but it always clears.

His words were soft and sweet in their uncertainty and apologies in the uncertainty. He was so far away, but his voice wasn't. It wrapped me in the safest, warmest embrace and I fell asleep, remembering his smile in my mind's eye.

posted from Bloggeroid

我不喜欢你那样想我，那样讲我。

我有多在意，多愿意，多爱，你应该比任何人清楚。

为什么要拼命证明我不是，证明我不要，语出刻薄伤人，为什么。

posted from Bloggeroid

To fall asleep listening to his slow breaths, and wake up to his lips on my forehead.

posted from Bloggeroid

想你了。

想念听着你呼吸入睡的那段时间。小小的争执，一点点挣扎，很多很多快乐。

一个人的房里，很多争执，很多挣扎，快乐很苦涩。

对错根本不重要，不需要证明，只想我一直在，你也一直在。

不知道怎么走下去，太多对错，太多争吵，太多在乎，太多伤害，不知道能不能走到最后，只知道如果不是你，我根本不想走，一步都不想。

小心翼翼不提以后，因为不安，却没有能力改变，所以好好地过完这一分这一秒。不是不爱啊，怎么会不爱。

怎么会不爱。

posted from Bloggeroid

痛。

I guess I will never get used to it
Being on the recieving end of the cold shoulder
The exact shoulder I dreamed on leaning on to, for as long as I can.

If you have any idea, how important you are to me.

Oceans apart
I can't see you
So I hope I can hear you
Hear your voice
Hear your laugh
Hear you talk about your day
Little things
Everyday things
I can't be beside you
But I still want to share your days
Your happiness and sorrows
Listen to you
Whether you are anxious or exuberant
Confident or having second thoughts
I am thousand of miles away
But even so
I want to be a part of your life
And to know if you want me to be a part of it too
To know if I'm just passerby or it's my place to stay
To know if this is one sided
Or are my feelings returned.

我还要自言自语，自问自答多久呢。
低声下气地接受了你的冷言冷语。
忙着允许你以践踏我的自尊来弥补你的自尊，我竟然已经不记得到底做错什么了。

是，是我不对。

可是还是委屈。

I begged for his forgiveness like I begged for him to stay.

I stripped my pride and laid it at his feet as I grovelled and explained and apologized. I stripped my pride and let him step on it when I sang and he slept and I talked and he oh-ed.

Because I wounded his, so I guessed I deserved this.

I was wrong, I knew, but did it really go this far? That I had to accept every bit of his razor sharp words, knife by knife?

I loved him. Twice.

I told him I loved him. The guy either didn't notice, or didn't care. I wonder which was worse.

I didn't come to love him for this. I didn't forgive and forget for this. Now I remember every bit. Stupid letters and stories I wrote, endless pathetic text messages I sent, sleepless nights and silent screams. All those pride I lost back then but found by standing tall in front of him was now scattered all around the floor again.

I didn't come to love him for this.

They say second chances are like offering another shot after the first one missed. I gave him a second bullet. I believed this time, I would be good enough for him. I believed this time I wont get hurt. Looks like life just continues to prove me wrong.

I know I deserved it, his words, the way it felt like blows and punches landed on my abdomen. But I never figured what I did was unforgivable to the point that he would not just kill me with it, he had to let me suffocate slowly. Let the pain sink it, minute by minute, second by second.m

How come I feel more like Stan and less like Slim? I was supposed to be the bad person. Not that I would drive my car and drown myself in a river.

The second bullet just buried itself on my chest. I wonder if the person who held the gun would read this. After all, I was the one who let him down. He didn't have to.

I didn't come to love him for this.

I didn't want love to be like this.

3.15pm Thursday

抓紧爱会挣扎 放开爱会心慌 神也很忙

不可能完全不害怕，你再一次后悔。

然后，我再一次像个白痴，一个人想念两个人的回忆，疼惜着一个不再为我心疼的人。

谅解点吧，我也在努力。