Oceans apart
I can't see you
So I hope I can hear you
Hear your voice
Hear your laugh
Hear you talk about your day
Little things
Everyday things
I can't be beside you
But I still want to share your days
Your happiness and sorrows
Listen to you
Whether you are anxious or exuberant
Confident or having second thoughts
I am thousand of miles away
But even so
I want to be a part of your life
And to know if you want me to be a part of it too
To know if I'm just passerby or it's my place to stay
To know if this is one sided
Or are my feelings returned.

我还要自言自语，自问自答多久呢。
低声下气地接受了你的冷言冷语。
忙着允许你以践踏我的自尊来弥补你的自尊，我竟然已经不记得到底做错什么了。

是，是我不对。

可是还是委屈。

I begged for his forgiveness like I begged for him to stay.

I stripped my pride and laid it at his feet as I grovelled and explained and apologized. I stripped my pride and let him step on it when I sang and he slept and I talked and he oh-ed.

Because I wounded his, so I guessed I deserved this.

I was wrong, I knew, but did it really go this far? That I had to accept every bit of his razor sharp words, knife by knife?

I loved him. Twice.

I told him I loved him. The guy either didn't notice, or didn't care. I wonder which was worse.

I didn't come to love him for this. I didn't forgive and forget for this. Now I remember every bit. Stupid letters and stories I wrote, endless pathetic text messages I sent, sleepless nights and silent screams. All those pride I lost back then but found by standing tall in front of him was now scattered all around the floor again.

I didn't come to love him for this.

They say second chances are like offering another shot after the first one missed. I gave him a second bullet. I believed this time, I would be good enough for him. I believed this time I wont get hurt. Looks like life just continues to prove me wrong.

I know I deserved it, his words, the way it felt like blows and punches landed on my abdomen. But I never figured what I did was unforgivable to the point that he would not just kill me with it, he had to let me suffocate slowly. Let the pain sink it, minute by minute, second by second.m

How come I feel more like Stan and less like Slim? I was supposed to be the bad person. Not that I would drive my car and drown myself in a river.

The second bullet just buried itself on my chest. I wonder if the person who held the gun would read this. After all, I was the one who let him down. He didn't have to.

I didn't come to love him for this.

I didn't want love to be like this.

3.15pm Thursday

抓紧爱会挣扎 放开爱会心慌 神也很忙